To Whom It May Concern:

Captain Dumbass is my source for all things button-y. He got this from Kat at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, whom I promptly added to my Reader list. She's a kick in the pants.

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Dear Dog,

You're lucky that you're so damn cute. Because you're a pansy-ass. Yes, it was raining a little hard this morning, but that does not entitle you to NOT peeing. I might have condoned you peeing on the patio - it'll wash off after all - but NOT peeing at all is a recipe for an ass-whoopin'. And just because the living room rug is technically an outdoor rug does not mean you can use it as a substitute for the lawn. So get over yourself - you're not going to melt.

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Dear Gyno,

Next time I visit, I would appreciate not having to wait in a freezing cold exam room for 30 minutes with nothing but a flimsy paper sheet to cover all my girly bits with. Also, you may want to re-arrange your rooms so my buttcrack isn't visible by the people in the hallway when you open the door. Just a thought.

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Dear Michigan Department of Transportation,

You need to learn some basic principles of storm water management. I'm glad I drive a Subaru with decent ground-clearance and the ability to plow through a lake without flooding the engine, but still - I think the lady in the little Chevy Cobalt behind me might appreciate a little more drainage.

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Dear People Who Owned Our House Previously,

Ya'll are not quite the handymen that you think you are. Whoever had the bright idea to install the tub themselves had the common sense of a friggin gnat, apparently. Why, oh why, did you get a right-facing tub when the drain pipe is on the left wall? Five 90-degree bends in the drain line is not conducive to proper water flow. Also, you might want to invest in a level before you install tile again.

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