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”Are you happy?” is the hardest question to answer – it implies that you’re supposed to be happy all the time – an integral state of being. Or is it just a fleeting emotion? That’s how it seems to me – and content or comfortable might be the better word for life as a whole.
Our marriage is both content and comfortable, broken-in like an old pair of jeans. There’s some holes in them, but they’re still perfectly wearable. I think that's how a marriage should be - something that might be shiny and pretty when it's brand new, but softens and stretches over time so you come to value it even more as life goes on.
My job? I'll be honest and say that I'm not happy, or comfortable, or content... I was, at first – just like with any job I suppose. And I know the economy is to blame – we don’t have the money for my programs and for the travel and all the things I was so looking forward to doing. But that doesn’t make it any easier for me to drag myself out of bed in the morning just to come to the office and struggle through the day. There’s nothing I can really do about any of it, and it’s frustrating and demoralizing. So at work, I guess I'm settled, and willing to persevere until it gets back to being comfortable.
Am I happy where we live? This I can definitively answer with a big, fat, NO. In a nutshell, it's just depressing. I really like our house – there’s things I’d change if we bought it, yes, but it's mostly comfortable and pretty and home – and I love my garden when it’s nice enough outside to enjoy it. But no, there is very little about Toledo itself that I like, let alone makes me happy.
I honestly believe that most people's definition of happiness is royally screwed up - so many hang their happiness on possessions or people or positions - they define themselves and their lives by these things. It's like there's a stigma on being comfortable or content as opposed to happy.
I guess I'm tired of trying to justify my life through emotions.
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time. ~Edith Wharton
Great way of describing things. I'm still trying to figure out marriage. We've been married for 4 years, and I'm still learning what that means.
ReplyDeleteWork, yeah, can sympathize there. I've been feeling generally blah about it. Not sure if it's because I've done the same thing too much or what. March will be my 5th anniversary at work, yay for more leave. But most of what I handle is cyclical and so it all feels so boring since I've done it so much.
Uggg do I know what you mean about the battle for happiness. For myself I struggle to really hold onto those things in my life that truly bring me happiness. I find my definition of happiness is most often challenged while speaking to people close to me. I feel sometimes as if they are attempting to dissect my life to see if I am indeed, HAPPY.
ReplyDeleteThe job is a whole different story. Finding the balance between being grateful for having a job, and liking my job is also another place where I struggle to find HAPPINESS. It's taken me ages, but I finally feel like I am coming to a place of acceptance, NOT happiness of course, but true acceptance regarding my job. This is my life, I can freak out, or deal. So, I guess, here's to dealing!
Very insightful post...
Thanks, Ash & Katie. I agree, it tends to be family and those that I know care the most that tend to psychoanalyze my life the most - which makes it that much more difficult to define.
ReplyDelete